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You Might Be a Woodcarver....

D. Burgdorf

by dondi@gateway.net

 

It all started innocently enough when Ol Don wrote:

"Jeff Foxworthy has become a very popular comedian because of his "You might be a Redneck" routine, so I thought it might be fun to start a thread of "If ... you might be a Woodcarver". For example:

"If your yard is the only one in the neighborhood with stumps instead of shade trees, you might be a woodcarver."

"If you are carving at 10 PM and your wife whispers sweet nothings in your ear about it being time to go to bed, and at 3 AM you tell her for the 23 rd time, I'll be there in a minute , you might be a woodcarver."

"If you can t see the water in your hot tub because of the floating wood chips, you might be a woodcarver."

"If you can see your breath but refuse to put another log in the fireplace because you see something in the wood, you might be a wood carver."

There's a few I thought of for starters- now it's your turn."

 

A panel of experts (identified at the bottom of the last page) assembled and the following collection was posted. As Tom Norman mentioned, "When you can relate to ten or more you might be a woodcarver indicators, have no doubts- you are a woodcarver!!

  • "Your keyboard has to be cleaned out daily from wood dust and chips." (VK)
  • "When you exhale, tupelo dust comes out like your breath on a cold day." (VK)
  • "You don t have time for that stuff ". (VK)
  • "You ask, Dear would you mow the yard, wash the car, take out the trash today, I have carving to do? " (VK)
  • "You gave your wife a new band saw for Christmas." (VK)
  • "You're so busy re-shaping a basswood egg that you don t have time for "other stuff"." (OD)
  • "Your idea of taking a vacation is to go to a carving show." (VK)
  • "Going into the outside world means a trip to the hardware store." (VK)
  • "You look curiously at each piece of firewood going into the fireplace." (VK)
  • "Band-Aids are a staple item on the grocery list." (VK)
  • "You have enough wood stacked in the basement to build an extension." (AJ)
  • "You try again and again to get rid of that pile of lumber that is taking up half your living space, but can t." (Ju)
  • "You envision yourself in wood curls instead of bubblebath." (Woodcarverette?) (MM)
  • "You have three inches of wood chips on your family room carpet." ("Redneck" Woodcarver) (RL)
  • "You go for a romantic stroll along the beach and pack back driftwood." (TN)
  • "You go camping and bring along your own special firewood." (TN)
  • "Your spouse complains about woodchips between the sheets." (TN)
  • "You reach into your pocket to pay for that special tool and pull out a mess of sawdust." (TN)
  • "You show up at the local church gathering with a leather apron on under your Sunday best." (TN)
  • "You have to separate the woodchips from your mashed potatoes." (Ju)
  • "You sneeze and it takes 10 minutes for the sawdust to settle." (OD)
  • "Your spouse wants to decorate all the flower beds with wood chips and all you have to do is sweep your workshop floor for enough." (DBu)
  • "You're innocently peeling a carrot for dinner and you end up with your best carving." (Now how could you boil "that"?) (MM)
  • "You go into the shop in the morning, take a break and wonder how it got dark so fast." (MW)
  • "You always follow a truck carrying lumber to close to determine the kind of wood it is carrying." (PW)
  • "Every visit to Woodcraft Supply is like going to church" (PW)
  • "You are compelled to stop and look at every piece of architectural sculpture you come across." (PW)
  • "Your collection of plastic, plaster and metal models you intend to use and never have, surpasses the amount of carvings you have done." (PW)
  • "Your collection of wood continues to grow faster than your production of carvings." (PW)
  • "Your family tree now has only one branch left." (BA)
  • "You have more unfinished carvings than the number you finished." (HR)
  • "You find yourself on your hands and knees looking for that 3mm glass eye for the THIRD time!" (LG)
  • "Your spouse is fed up with little pieces of folded sandpaper all over the house." (LG)
  • "You find yourself taking a daily birding tour looking for road kill in the morning after a storm while it s still FRESH." (LG)
  • "You are willing to pick off the bugs and sand from the road kill, and proceed to study it on the spot despite a few mangled parts." (LG)
  • "While driving your car, you screech to a sudden halt, even on the freeway, to pick up a potential piece of discarded wood, even a REALLY big piece of wood like a LOG knowing that you can somehow get that log in the TRUNK or maybe on top of the car Then when all else fails you whip out your pocket knife and begin to whittle it down to size." (LG)
  • "You find yourself grunting under your breath, More Power in the powertool department at the local hardware outlet." (LG)
  • "You are repeatedly warned to STOP CARRESSING the exotic woods at the lumber yard. Even worse you even sneak a whiff of the wood when no one is watching." (LG)
  • "You drool over the latest carving supply catalog, nevermind that Victoria s Secret catalog that the mailman just delivered." (LG)
  • "You slow your vehicle to nearly a stop to examine every pile of wood on the side of the road!" (RB)
  • "You put Time spent wood carving or fishing is not charged against our natural life span at the end of your (e-mail) posts!" (Ju)
  • "You walk through the door at Woodcraft Supply and the manager immediately calls his stock broker and the Mercedes dealer." (GB)
  • "A toothpick has a whole new meaning to you." (MM)
  • "You show off your furniture at carving shows." (DA)
  • "You wear your carving apron to bed." (LD)
  • "You have cut marks on your fingers covered with Band-Aids and your wife thinks they are attractive." (LD)
  • "You carve a turkey and use your boss for a model." (LD)
  • "You've ever been in a custody fight over your carving tools." (LD)
  • "Your kids take bloody wood chips to Show and tell ." (LD)
  • "Your wife tells you to Move your carving tools so I can get in bed too ." (LD)
  • "The time you won a carving blank and you refer to it as The day my ship came in ." (LD)
  • "You keep your paints and brushes on the Kitchen Table." (LD)
  • "You got more wood that CENTS." (LD)
  • "Your 4 cats think the chips under your workbench is just about the best kitty litter they have ever used." (KN)
  • "You have no hair on your left forearm." (MW)
  • "Your poppa was a wood carver and you're a chip off the old block!" (TN)
  • "Your annual family vacation is scheduled to coincide with a woodcarving show." (Jo)
  • "When you travel for vacation or work, you always look for off-the beaten track sawmills which just might have that special piece of wood." (Jo)
  • "The chances are that when a catalog comes in the mail, it will likely be a woodcarving one." (Jo)
  • "Not only do you look carefully at every piece of firewood, you actually put more pieces in the save pile than into the woodstove." (Jo)
  • "You know every book your local library has on woodcarving, and where all of them are located." (Jo)
  • "You move the carving into the family room so you can be with your family." (CW)
  • "Your wife wakes up to four inches of chips on the floor in the family room and you re fast asleep with a smile on your face." (CW)
  • "Your wife checks your carving calendar before making plans." (CW)
  • "Your car is out in the cold because your garage is full of wood" (JD)
  • "You sleep with a carving knife under your pillow and a mallet by your night stand." (TN)
  • "You turn over in the middle of the night, and your sheets crunch." (BH)
  • "You happen to see someone cutting down a tree in their front yard, and you think it s a wood yard sale ." (MB)
  • "You've dried a mold in your wife s oven and spent the next day cleaning out the burnt, hard, black rubber that covered the inside of the oven." (JD)
  • "You use your wife's Tupperware to protect the finish on your carving from dust." (BH)
  • "You see a picture of Sophia Loren with a low cut blouse sitting on a carousel horse and you study the horse." (JM)
  • "You promised your truck it could look in the door of your recently insulated garage but couldn t come in because the tablesaw and woodpile are in the way." (BB)
  • "You go to a restaurant and take the stone out of your pocket and your spouse tells you, The knives are sharp enough here ." (SK)
  • "Your thumbnail is all scratched." (SK)
  • "Your spouse comes to you with that dreamy look in his/her eye and you think, That would make a nice carving ." (SK)
  • "Every night when you blow your nose your boogers are brown." (AB)
  • "When you sneeze, you expel sawdust." (TN)
  • "You've got more toes than fingers." (Safety thought, no offense intended) (TN)
  • "Your pocket knife was modified to have twelve sharp blades in various odd shapes and the leather punch is now a U gouge." (MP)
  • "People look at your thumb and ask if it is a war wound." (KCu)
  • "When you have to shorten a board, you saw off the best end to carve later, rather than use it for the job at hand." (BN)
  • "Your wife gets you a new file cabinet and you use it to store carving wood." (GF)
  • "You can point to each scar on your hand and read off: mountain man, woodspirit, Santa, walking stick, etc." (JW)
  • "You do the above, and actually say etc. due to time constraints." (JW)
  • "You use Ma s good silver for a screwdriver, rather than mess up the edge of your penknife." (JW)
  • "You're mistaken for a good listener, while you ponder how you'd carve someone s nose." (JW)
  • "After a terrible fall with a sharp tool- your first thought is, Did I hurt he edge? ." (JW)
  • "When you slip while carving on your current masterpiece, and cut yourself while you bleed like a stuck pig, you breathe a sigh of relief in knowing you have only damaged yourself, and not your carving." (After all, you WILL heal up someday and move on to new masterpieces) (LG)
  • "You're a member of the Wood Carver s Mailing List." (TN)
  • "A copy of Chip Chats or Wood Carving Illustrated is as handy as the toilet paper beside you, in an outhouse." (TN)
  • "Your house is 48 degrees and you have a huge pile of wood by the woodstove you just can t bear to throw in." (KCr)
  • "All the scrap yellow cedar from your basement refinishing two years ago is still downstairs waiting to be a carving." (DR)
  • "You prefer the smell of fresh cut lumber or aromatic cedar to Estee Lauder." (DL)
  • "You have a brag photo book and there are no pictures of your kids, just pictures of your best carvings." (DL)
  • "You look at a woman with an excellent figure and only think of taking a picture of her so you can carve her BUTT rather than asking her out for a date." (DL)
  • "You spend endless hours reading the Woodcarvers Mailing List and fall asleep trying to think of more You might be a woodcarver if ." (DL)
  • "You're in a cast up to your armpits and still can find a way to carve wood!" (VH)
  • "You slice across your palm with a carving knife, and you immediately holler and fret because you got blood on your carving." (TV)
  • "You stare at your work for hours after it has been completed." (TV)
  • "You stare at your work for hours wondering how to make the next move." (BN)
  • "You lurk around building demolition sites seeking to salvage good old seasoned wood." (TN)
  • "You're in a big wind storm and you're more concerned about the trees blown down, than your own welfare." (TN)
  • "When your spouse nibbles on your ear he/she comes up sputtering small stashes of sawdust you missed." (You know the small piles that form atop and inside your ear) (LG)
  • "You get more wood chips from the washer and/or dryer vent and filters than you do lint." (AH)
  • "Your neighbors ask in they can have wood chips for their flower beds so they don t have to order any." (AH)
  • "You've carved your initials on the inside of an outhouse door" (TN)
  • "You look down at the top of a nice oak wood, toilet lid and wonder what you could carve on it." (TN)
  • "Your friends who have oak toilet seats ask you to check your carving tools at the bathroom door." (FK)
  • " War stories means discussing the instances behind the scars on your hands." (PP)
  • "Woodchips underfoot is music to your ears." (MS)
  • "Your good neighbor asks if you're starting up a firewood business after you offer to prune his cherry tree for free." (TN)
  • "Your family tree has your name carved in it." (TN)
  • "You'd like to go to Egypt to see the woodcarvings." (TN)
  • "You like to do it in the woods." (TN)
  • "Catching a falling v-gouge and having it imbed itself in your hand is a more favorable option than having it hit the floor." (DBe)
  • "You've ever tested the edges of your kitchen knives by cutting a curl on the end grain of your cutting board." (DBe)
  • "You've ever carved a face in a potato before putting it in the pot to boil for supper." (DBe)
  • "The back of your hand is hairless due to your testing the edges of your knives." (M)

    •  

    And in conclusion, this poem from Sparrow:

    If you can t see the kitchen table
    For knives and tools and things:
    If you no longer watch TV or read the paper
    Or even care what news they bring

    If your clothes are all in the dirty basket
    And not a clean cup can you find.
    Dust bunnies as big as real rabbits
    In your house, like they are in mine.

    If all the wood on your furniture
    Has funny marks cut here and there;
    And that funny object on the mantle..
    Is it a flower or a bear?

    You just might be a beginner at carving
    And addicted from the start.
    I may never Hit the Big Time
    But I am a carver in my heart .

    Our panel of experts:

    (AB) Alex Bisso- Albisso2@aol.com
    (AH) Arthur Harpool- HARPOOLPDX@aol.com
    (AJ) Amy Joslyn- amyjoslyn@hotmail.com
    (BA) Bill Allen- appa@midwest.net
    (BB) Bill Bauer- bikeman@midohio.net
    (BH) Becky Harris- rebecca.harris@wright.edu
    (BN) Robt. K Nelson- rnelson@ctel.net
    (CW) CRaig Watson- cwatson@isd.net
    (DA) Daniel Abston- doitjune@bellsouth.net
    (DBe) Don Berard- dab@ssd.ray.com
    (DBu) Diana Burgdorf- dondi@gateway.net
    (DL) David E. Lavoie- CAPTNDAVE@prodigy.net
    (DR) Dave Reed- dlreed@direct.ca
    (FK) Francis Korn- uskorns@ncn.com
    (GB) G & B- wolf@wolfdog.com
    (GF) George F. Farrell, georgef@dreamscape.com
    (HR) Hal Remz- king_hal@bigfoot.com
    (JD) Joe Dillett- jdillett@thecarvingshop.com
    (JM) Jerry Milne- Rossericm@aol.com
    (Jo) John- john.hnath@juno.com
    (Ju) Jud- DJH4@webtv.net
    (JW) Jim West- westys@hotmail.com
    (KCr) Kevin Crooks- kcrooks@terraworld.net
    (KCu) K. Cunningham- khc@u.washington.edu
    (KN) K. L. Nichols- little_bro2@yahoo.com
    (LD) Len Dillon- diamondd@centuryinter.net
    (LG) Laurie J. Lundell Gmyrek,- artistry@rea-alp.com
    (MB) Melanie B.- mistress_of_cats@yahoo.com
    (MM) Marcie Moore- sunflwr1@sprynet.com
    (MP) Mike Parker- KnifeCut@aol.com
    (MS) MJ Smith- iupset@yahoo.com
    (MW) Michael G. Wells- mweus52@ppp.kornet21.net
    (OD) Ol Don- dondi@gateway.net
    Pierce Pratt- fppratt@expmap17.ppco.com
    (PW) M. Paul Ward- mwardwood@worldnet.att.net
    (RB) Ronald Bender- rbender@esslink.com
    (RL) R. L.- brlo@computerland.n
    IAMSparrow- tequila@accucomm.net
    (SK) Steven F. Klein- stevenklein@worldnet.att.net
    (TN) Tom Norman- tnorman@lightspeed.bc.ca
    (TV) Thierry Varem-Sanders- Tvarem@NRCan.gc.ca
    (VK) Vic Kirkman- marshduck@mindspring.com